Exercise!

Hey guys. I have been exercising every night for a couple days now. And let me tell you... I feel amazing!!

I'm not doing it cause I want to loose weight or because I feel fat. I'm at a healthy weight right now and I'm comfortable with how I look. I'm trying to have physical activity everyday. It's healthy for you, even if you aren't trying to lose weight or tone your arms.

I have noticed that I can think really straight while I ran and afterwards I am so exhausted, that I go to bed early. I wake up feeling really energized and more awake and at school I'm more happy. I feel like I'm doing something, other than school.

While I run of my treadmill I smile because I know that what I'm doing is totally worth it. I feel amazing and I listen to One Direction while I run, how could it get any better?

So every night, after homework and dinner I run on the treadmill. I don't run very fast because I honestly suck at running. But all that matters is that I'm moving! Then I do a couple things before I take a shower.

Run for 30-45 minutes
50 jumping jacks
10 push ups
30 curl ups
25 mountain climbers
jog in place for 60 sec.

Then I take a shower and feel super amazing! I just feel like I'm accomplishing something and taking good care of myself. As I continue working out, I will be able to do more push ups and jumping jacks, ect.. But I just need to take it one step at a time.

Now I'm gonna take a spiritual aspect on this... Ok, why do we work out? We do it because we want to strengthen ourselves and change things that we may not like. Why do we read our scriptures  pray, and go to church? Because we want to strengthen our spirits and change the things we don't like. It's the same thing!

Why do you take good care of your body? Because you want to keep it strong and protected and safe. You want to treat it with respect. So.. don't you think we should not only be exercising  our bodies and minds, but also our spirits for the same reasons?

It's something to think about.... :)

peace out y'all
Smile

-Tay

Learn to love

Love is a really crazy thing. I'm not specifically talking about falling in love with someone, but I am talking about loving anyone you meet.

That Sounds totally weird, I know. I love my friends and my family very much, but what did they savior say? "Love thy neighbor." That doesn't mean that you only love the people on your street or your ward members. It means you love everyone.

Now, I know some people just bug you. There's always going to be that! But, you need to learn how to look past their faults and love then for who they are. I have a hard time loving people who have ever hurt me in the past or if they eat like a "barn yard animal." That's awful, I know. But in working on it!

I have this fear that if I love someone, they are just going to get taken away. I loved my dad so much and 2 years ago, it was time for him to leave this earth. The pain of losing someone is so painful, it's indescribable. So, a year ago I decided that I wouldn't love anyone anymore, cause if I didn't... That meant that it wouldn't hurt when they left. It's not like i want to be forever alone, it's just that I'm so afraid to love!

But, things happened. My dads side of the family invited us over all the time and we had all sorts of fun. I had always loved them but I began to care more and more about them. Then at the beginning of the school year I met this adorable blond and we became best friends. I love her! So basically, my "love no one" plan failed. So instead, 4 ish months ago I started put up walls so that I wouldn't be hurt.

Sometimes, I put my walls down.. When I feel like I can trust someone. But lately, it has been so rare! I just feel like I can't handle the pain of loving someone and having them die or move away or just lose them as a friend.

Well, today I was talking to my mom and this is what went down.
"Tay, you need to put your walls down. People care about you!" "No, I'm afraid." "You can't be afraid to let people love you." "I am. I'm afraid of loving others too. I loved dad and he was taken away!" "Tay, you have to love people. You can't live your life in fear... You need to reach out to others that care about you."

We need to learn to love those that drive us crazy. It takes so much energy to hate people! You have to be annoyed when you see them, you have to roll your eyes, and you have to be angry. It's stupid! Loving people is so easy, and it makes you feel better about yourself. All you have to do is smile at someone.

All of us are very different. Some of us play sports or the piano. Others draw or dance. We all look different too! But there is ONE THING we all have in coming with each other.

We all want to be loved.

Sometimes, I just want to know that someone out there loves me. Not because they have to, but because they just do.

Please please please, put down walls and let people come into your life. Love them and let them love you. It's the way to live happily!! In going to try my best to follow my own advice.

Peace out guys
Love you

-Tay

Made me laugh...

I was on YouTube... And I watched this hilarious video called "10 things I hate about everyone." It was so funny!! I totally agreed with everything she said. I'm going to share with you, my favorite ones!
(I did not create this. I'm just sharing the ones that were so funny!)

When people point at their wrist when they ask what time it is. "Do you know? Do you know what time it is?" I know where my watch is. WHERE THE HECK IS YOURS??

When people say: "it's always the last place you look." You're looking for something. Why would you keep looking for it after you have found it?? Do people do this!? Where and who are they?

When your standing at the bus stop, waiting for the bus and some kids walks up and says: "hey. The bus come yet?" If the bus came, would I still be standing here??

When people ask: "hey, can I ask you a question?" Didn't give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

When people say: "oh you just wanna have your cake and eat it to." Ya. Why would I want a cake if I can't eat it??

When your watching a movie and some person leans over and says "did you see that?" No I didn't. I paid $12 dollars to come and stare at the floor.

Again, I didn't write this! I found it and thought it was hilarious! :)

Peace out guys
Smile :)

-Tay

Life isn't fair, but that's ok!

When has everything in your life worked out exactly how you wanted it to? For me... well lets see, um.. never. But when was life ever fair?

Things don't go according to plan. That's how it works! But guess what? It's that way for a reason. God can see the eternal picture, he knows what is best for you. We can only see what's right in front of our face and the past. We can wish and think about the future, but there is no way to exactly know what is going to happen.

Because we can't see the whole story we often make choices that are stupid or we expect things to happen and when they don't, it sucks! The thing you need to realize is that EVERYTHING that happens in your life is for a reason. EVERYTHING you struggle through, was given to you for a reason. It was given to you to make you a better person. You will be changed for the better!

Did I expect my daddy to pass away when i was only 13 years old? Heck no!! I planned on him coming to my graduation, dancing with me at my wedding, and holding my children. That was my plan. It's not fair that I have friends that still have their dads, when I won't be able to see mine again for 70 years or more! They have something that I wish I could have back more than anything. It's not fair.

But, I realize that this is all for the experience  He is showing me that I am strong enough to handle it. The cool thing about God is that he knows that you are strong enough. He won't give you anything that you can't handle! He will not let you fail, he will not destroy your life. It may seem like it's falling to pieces, but it's not. Things always get better because, they can't get any worse... unless you make bad choices.

Ya know what's cool? I get to have my daddy with me at all times. His spirit is with me, I know it. I can feel it! He's there when i'm laughing, or sad, or scared. He is always there along with other loved ones I have lost. I have my own angel watching over me. I'm so lucky!!

It's really hard for me to accept that he is really gone sometimes. But, that's normal... I think. I guess it has to do with the 5 stages of grief. When something hard happens, everyone goes through this.

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

Maybe I just haven't learned to fully accepted it yet!

Anyways... It's ok that life isn't fair. Things always turn for the better for you. Everything that happens to you is made to make yous stronger and help you live better. Although, it may not seem like it, it's the truth.

If you dedicate your life to serving the Lord and follow him no matte what happens,

he will make everything work out for you.

It really is. It's amazing how far I have come since my dad's death.

The struggle has been awful

but, my testimony 

has grown.

Everything he does is for YOUR good.

He is not a selfish God.

When you pray to God, he answers every single one of your prayers. Sometimes he answers it right away, other times he waits until the right time. There are three answers that God will give you in your prayers.

1. Yes

2. Not now

3. I have something better in mind

Ponder on that the next time you feel like he's not answering or when you don't get the answer you want. 

Peace out everyone! 

Smile

Live while you're young

Choose the right

-Tay

Just listen!

Lately, I haven't been talking much. I love to talk... I mean, sometimes you can't shut me up!  But this past week or so I have just enjoyed listening to everyone.

Nothing is wrong. I'm not mad at anyone.  I'm not sad. I just realized how much I could be missing out on.

I decided, today, that I want every conversation I have, every action I do, and every breath I take to be worth it. (That sounds so dramatic!) I want to make every single moment of my life special. I want to do something in my life.

Being a high school student, you can't do things to really change the world. Your focus has to be on your schoolwork. It's hard for me to be ambitious when the only thing that I can really do is get a part time job and complete my math homework. 

But, maybe I can change the world by just listening more. Maybe there are people out there that just want someone to listen to them. By listening to people, you can put your worries and other stuff aside and focus on the person that is talking. I think it's important to be a good listener as well as talking too. Don't be shy, talk to people! Just remember that the two ears on your head are supposed to be put to good use.

By listening you can be less self centered.  Have you ever had a friend or family member that has something exciting in there life happen and all they do is talk about it? At the beginning, you listen and share your thoughts. But then, after 6 or so weeks of listening to this event or thing that made them happy, it gets annoying. But you still try to listen! I challenge you to still listen to them, I promise they will be thankful for it. Plus, they will forget about it soon and move on. But also, make sure you aren't doing this. Being a good friend is a two way street! You have to talk and listen. You can't do just one. Before you say something, consider the following:

T.H.I.N.K.

T: Is it true?

H: Is it helpful?

I: Is it inspiring?

N: Is it necessary?

K: Is it kind?

I know this seems really dumb, but think about all the stupid things that come out of your mouth during the day. If you had the chance to think before you said them, would you have still said it?

Make sure everything you say is worth saying. If you have nothing to say, take that moment to listen. I mean, the spirit might be prompting you to do something. But, if your talking or spacing out... you won't hear it. Please listen and be open to promptings from the spirit.

That brings me to another point. Is listening and hearing the same thing? This could be a matter of opinion But, I think they are different.

Hearing is letting something go in one ear and out the other. You aren't pondering about it, it's something that you might not care about. 

Listening is thinking hard about something and committing it to memory. It's something that you actually care about.

Are you listening to what your friends are saying, or are you just hearing it? I have some friends that listen when I talk to them. They offer input and tell me their thoughts. They will ask me questions to get me thinking, and they won't tell me what I need to do. They let me figure it out for myself, but they help me along the way. They understand that maybe I don't want all their input. Maybe I just want someone to "vent" to. I have friends that just hear what I'm saying. They won't pay attention while I talk to them or they will take my concerns or problems, and make them all about themselves. They turn the conversation back to them. (And then I'm like... what??)  Sometimes it drives me crazy! But, I still love all my friends dearly! I don't know what I would do without them.

Make sure you are listening when people talk to you. Make you you are listening to the spirit. Make sure you are listening to yourself and your thoughts.

peace out guys

have a great day

Death happens...

Everything that lives, dies. It's just apart of life! It hurts when someone you loves dies, I know how it feels! It sucks, it's not a fun feeling either. But things always turn out ok!

Today, my Grandparents dog died. Her name was Coco. Let me tell you about her...

Coco was a brown pekingese dog. She was fun loving and really animated. She loved people food, although, most dogs do! She barked at any dog or animal that was on TV, so we could never watch America's funniest home videos because half of the time she would just bark.

Coco and I had a very special bond. Our dates of birth are very close to each other and my parents gave Coco to my grandparents as a gift. We have a picture of Coco and I together when we were both about a 1 year old. (Maybe a little younger) Coco and I were the same age when she passed away.

I went to my Grandparents house for the weekend, you could just see the pain this poor dog was in. It was really sad, I tried to push it out of my mind. I ignored the fact that she couldn't walk easily and that she wasn't eating. I just didn't think about it. It wasn't until this afternoon, when we traveled home,  that it hit me. We were pulling out of the driveway while I put my headphones in and hit play on a random song. "Dreaming with a broken heart" started to play. I looked at the house as we started to drive away. We were about to turn the car from their house when the words of the song hit me and my heart started to beat so loud, I could hear it. My mom stopped the car to answer a text and so many thoughts were rushing through my brain as I jumped out of the car, running back into the house. This was going to be the very last time I was ever going to see Coco. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I opened the back door and walked over to where she was in her kennel. I whispered to her for a second, sharing the moments that meant most to me with her. I told her that I loved her and that everything was gonna be ok. She was looked at me and I was trying hard not to bawl. My grandma came up and gave me a picture of her and I when we were so little. I hugged her goodbye, trying to hide the pain in my heart and my tear stained cheeks. I put on some sunglasses and got in the car avoiding looking at my mom. I didn't want her to know that I was upset.

As I drove home, I stared at the picture and so many thoughts rushed through my mind. I cried silently and was so thankful that I said goodbye. If I had stayed in the car.. I would have always regretted that moment.

I know that it's just a dog. But to me, she was one of my best friends. We both had spent our entire lives together. But, it was time for her to go. I understand.

Always hug goodbye and let people know you love them. You never know if it will be the very last time you see them.

peace out guys
much love
-Tay

I want to do something awesome!

I wanna do something awesome... And by awesome I mean I want to change the world. Actually  I just want to change someones life. Make them smile or remember me in years to come. I want to be something in this world other than just an unknown face.

But, I don't want to be a singer/songwriter. I don't want to be president of the United States. I don't want to be in the Olympics. I don't want fame and fortune.

I do want to be a friend or a shoulder to cry on. I want to be a mother and an Aunt. I want to be a wife. I want to be the person that walks into a room, and everyone knows and feels comfortable around. I want to be the person that everyone confides in. I want to touch peoples lives.

Maybe one day, I'll save someones life. I won't be a doctor or surgeon... but maybe I'm just their friend when they feel like they have no one. When they feel like they are so close to just being done with life, I can be the one to remind them that there is still reasons to continue living. There is still hope. For a while, I might be their only hope.

Life is short, things move so fast. I want to enjoy every minute of my life and make the most of it. How shameful it would be to live my life in fear and anger. There are so many people out there that need help. They need a friend, they need to be loved, and they need to know that someone out there cares.

I can honestly say that when people smile at me in the hallway that I don't know very well, it makes my day. When an old friend gives me a hug or someone tells me I look beautiful. Those comments mean the world to me, although the time they spent making me feel happy was so short.

I refuse to give up in life and ruin others in the process. Everyone you meet effects you, whether it be good or bad. I want to be a good influence.

High school is hard, I'm not gonna lie. People doubt themselves and try to figure out who they are and who they want to become. Sometimes they get lost, but that's what friends are for! They are there to lift you up, put you on the right track, and remind you of whats important.

So, I wanna be a friend, and if I am.... I can change the world. If not the world, I just want to touch one persons life. One person to re-think those negative thoughts about themselves and realize they are amazing. Because, they are.

Peace out people.
Smile :)

Stress

I stress about every single detail in life. I'm not even kidding.... There are 2 types of stress. There is eustress and distress. Eustress is the kind of stress that motivates you to get something done. Distress is the kind that weighs on you and causes all sorts of problems.

Every single assignment I have, I turn into a stressful situation. As well as stressing myself with other peoples problems. I have a very caring personality, I worry about others. But the one thing that I need to realize is that I can't help other people until I take care of myself.

When you are on an airplane, the flight attendants give directions on what to do if there is a problem. If you loose air pressure and can't breathe, air bag things drop from the ceiling  What do they tell you to do? "Adults, put your mask on then help your children." Why do they say this? It's the same principle, You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of yourself.

Don't cause yourself stress. Eliminate things you don't need to worry about and try to relax. In health today he had us turn off our phones and put on this relaxation CD. I legit fell asleep, I bet I like slept talked or something. I noticed that that was the best power nap I had ever had. You need to learn how to relax and get away from all your media for just a couple hours. It's hard, but worth it. Just turn your phone off for an hour or so and relax completely.

Make to do lists and cross them off when you finish something. It feels so good! I am a visual learner so i have to see everything in order for my brain to process it.

Listen to calming music. Close your eyes or read or scriptures or write in your journal. It's so worth it!

I am a total hypocrite and I stress so bad. I honestly shouldn't be giving you this advice because I can't even handle my own stress. But, learn from my mistakes and PLEASE positively deal with your stress.

Read a book
take a power nap
talk about it
make a to do list
get the easy stuff done with first
smile
Tell yourself "I can, I will."
Listen to inspiring music
DON'T PROCRASTINATE

Peace out guys, I should be doing my homework right now. Stress starting.. NOW! Just kidding, have a great day guys.

She's growing up...

Today, is the birthday of my beautiful sister Brittany. 

Another year has passed by in this little red heads life. It's crazy how time moves so fast! When I look at her, I still see the cute little girl with freckles and a little jersey accent. I still hear the way she used to  call my name. "Tayla!"

Today, Brittany is a confident gorgeous girl with a huge future in front of her. Brittany can sing, and dance, and act. Brittany has never taken a single voice lesson, yet she sings like an angel. I'm not even kidding! She got the lead in this years play at school, so happy for her.

Brittany is honestly so talented. I will admit that I get jealous sometimes... ok. Fine. A lot!! Brittany has those outward talents that everyone can see and I take every moment to show off. I am proud to call this girl my sister.

Brittany has been in many plays and she continues to do them. She got the lead in her school play "Pirates of Penzance." The performance is in just a couple months. She is going to do great!

Brittany sings so much, I can't even believe it. I think Britt sings more than she talks during the day. Sometimes, it's annoying when I'm trying to get homework done but I have a hard time telling her to stop because it sounds so beautiful. This sounds awful, but sometimes I leave the room because I start to tear up. She sounds amazing, she is a literal gift from God.

Last week in Young Womens, Brittany was called up for her birthday. She's turning 14 and it finally hit me. My sister was gonna be a Mia Maid! I started to cry and felt like an idiot. I hugged her and all the young women chimed in with "AW!!" I couldn't believe this girl was growing up. Is this what it feels like to have your children grow up?

I don't want her to grow up, honestly. That means that one day she will start dating and going to dances and driving. Brittany is my little innocent sister that likes to laugh and thinks Disney Channel is hilarious. She loves Psych and X factor. One day, man... She's gonna be on X factor and win it!

Let them be little

This song reminds me of this little punkin. My little red head. My ginger sister. My best friend.

Get a new persepective

One of my favorite movies in the whole world is Soul Surfer. It's about this amazing girl named Bethany Hamilton. She was a surfer who had her arm bitten off by a shark. She ended up still surfing and competing. She is an amazing inspiration to all of us. Although the movie got a little cheesy, it still has amazing message.

At the beginning of the movie there is scene where they talk about getting a different perspective on hard situations. Often, when things happen in the moment, it's hard to understand why things happen or how come. You can't see the full picture, and you don't know how its going to turn out.

When my Daddy passed away there were so many things that crossed my mind. When they told us everyone started to cry and I said through tears "What are we going to do? How are we going to pay for things?" I was so afraid. My main concern was just surviving. Luckily, we had families donate money to us as well as my dad's business helping pay a few expenses.  After I knew we wouldn't be starving or living on the street (Dramatic, I know.) I was finally able to focus on the fact that my life had fallen apart. The world would continue moving but a piece of my heart was still stuck in the time where my dad held me in his arms and laughed with me. I had such a hard time seeing that I would be able to handle this. I wasn't able to see that my dad was in heaven and that I would see him again. We were together forever, sealed in the temple for eternity. My friends would tell me that but I wasn't able to understand that that made everything ok.

But, as time went on I could see the eternal picture. Everything was going to be ok, and everything is. I know that on my wedding day I'm going to have a really hard time. As well as having my children come into the world. All those things that fathers and daughters enjoy and cherish doing together are out of my reach. But not completely, luckily I have many father figures that I consider my second daddy.

My other favorite part in soul surfer that always gets me into tears is when Carrie Underwood is talking to Bethany and says "I don't know why terrible things happen." They go on to talk about a couple other things. Last night I thought about it and I realized that god gives us hard trials because he knows we can handle it.

Basically, God will not set you up to fail. At all! Now, let me make this clear that with god anything is possible. Without god, you will fail. That sounds so depressing but its true. You need Heavenly Father on your side in order to succeed. He will provide happiness when you think that happiness isn't possible. Technically I should be extremely sad and depressed all the time but because I have God with me and I see that I have eternity with my dad, I can be happy!!

So when things get hard to handle, please take a step back and try to see the whole picture. It's hard but you will feel so much better about the situation if you do.

peace out guys

Thank you...

So, recently my family has been getting our wood floors upstairs finished. When they stained it over we weren't able to walk on it till dinner time. Tonight, sadly.. We aren't able to walk on it till 8' o clock. Tomorrow too! we have to basically live downstairs in the basement. Thankfully  my room is downstairs so I am comfortable. But it still isn't fun being in my room all day.

The kitchen is upstairs and it is the section we are having re-done. I miss my fridge and pantry!! We are basically living off Capri suns, McDonald's  and random items from the deep freezer in our garage... such as ice cream. Let me tell you, it sucks!

I was on my way to the dentist today when my moms cell phone rang. When she finished talking to who ever had called she looked over at me and laughed  "Guess who called?" "Who?" "Sister so and so." (I'm not gonna use her name!) "What did she say?" my mom laughed and explained that sister so and so had called to tell us that she was bringing us a home cooked meal tonight. She didn't even ask, that was the funny part! This woman is an amazing cook, let me tell you!

We finished eating a while ago and it was so yummy! It was so sweet of her to do that, she has a family of her own but she heard about our interesting past few days and helped out. We hadn't asked her to do it, no one had mentioned that we would enjoy actual food!

It's important to serve others without them asking you to do a favor. Realize that others may need a little help or even just a smile! Everyone honestly just wants to feel loved.

Love ya guys
Stay happy, and serve others

Tay

Attitude

Trials. Every one has them! No one is given special treatment... Everyone has hard times.  Now sometimes you look at people who have gone through so much and you wonder how they are even able to smile at all.

I had a girl come up to me 2 weeks after my dad passed. She said "How can you smile? How can you focus on school work? How do you even feel like you should even try in life!?" Totally depressing, I know. But she did have a point. My heart was just ripped out and torn into a million pieces but I was still able to smile. Of course, I was sad occasionally  Those first 3 months without him were so awful. I wonder how I even got up out of bed. But then I realize that my attitude was an important factor in it all.

The problem and trial will not go away. That's one of the things I had to accept. I didn't have a choice on whether to go through the hard time or not. BUT, I did have the choice on how my attitude was going to be. I could either whine and be all "Oh my life sucks." I could sit in bed all day and just give up. Or, I could get out of bed, smile and go throughout life as normal as possible. I could either move forward and succeed or give up and fail no matter what.

It wasn't a hard choice. I have always been a dreamer. I have expectations for myself and those still haven't changed all these years. I wanted to get good grades, get my medallion, respect myself and others, graduate high school, go to BYU, and get married in the temple and start a wonderful family. I had all those dreams before my dad passed. Do you think a little bump in the road was going to stop me!? NOPE. I try every single day to make those dreams come true.

Just think about it. If I never got out of bed and never tried to accomplish anything, where would I be today? Well, I would be depressed. Lazy. Tired. Run-down. Sad. I would have terrible grades. I would feel like I had nothing to live for... which is totally false!

I have so much to live for. I want to graduate high school and Young womens. I want to know what it's like to fall in love and marry in the LDS temple. I wanted to know what it feels like to love a child and raise them and teach them. I want to know what it's like to hear my husband walk through the door and kiss me hello. I want to know the feeling of stapling a finished report at the end of a long night. I want to know what it's like to buy a car or a house. I want to live!!

Sitting and doing nothing every day was gonna get me no where. So I did something that took a little bit of bravery. I got up off my bed, whipped tears from my eyes, and smiled. As I looked in the mirror just 2 days after he had passed I felt so sad. But I was so done being sad. I hated every second of it. So I decided to be happy. That was it.

I went to school the following week and let me tell you. That was NOT easy. I had amazing friends that supported me from the second they got the news until today. They still support me! When it first happened, I didn't want anyone to know. I was so afraid of being judged or people asking me what happened, because honestly... I hardly knew myself. my friends told everyone that I had gone on a surprise cruise to Antarctica. (Crazy right!? People actually bought it....) Still makes me laugh to this day. (Of course when I returned to school every one found out. Although sometimes I got people asking how my cruise was.)  There were certain people, although, that had to know. I gave a list to my best friend that had names of people that I felt deserved to know what really happened. She told those people and asked them to keep it on the D.L. I was so thankful to them. The amazing thing about it was that their attitude through it all helped me through it. The smiled and treated me like normal. They did all sorts of things for me. They sent me texts, emails, and letters for days. Cookies and muffins and chocolate came everyday from neighbors, friends, and people I didn't even know!! They were so positive around me, I had a hard time being sad!
That brings me to my next point... please please please. Surround yourself with people that LIFT you up. Not TEAR you down. It really does help.

Glass half full? Glass half empty? well, I always try to be a glass half full kind of person. But lets really think about the glass. Air takes of space right? Well if air takes up 1/2 of the space and water takes up the other 1/2.... then the glass is always 100% full! Crazy right!?

Honestly, just be happy through the hard times. It makes them easier to handle. They don't go away completely but it makes life more enjoyable.

Peace out guys. Smile at someone new everyday and pray every morning and night.

-Tay

When times are hard...

When things get hard it can be so freaking hard to even smile!! It's painful really... And everyone does the whole "Whats wrong!?" And you like if I told you I just might burst into tears or punch you in the face cause I'm so mad. Tell me I'm not the only one who feels this sometimes...

Smiling is amazing. When you are truly happy your smile is indescribable.  It's the kind of smile that you can't slap off your face. It's the smile that people look at you and go "Ya ok?" And your like "YEAH!" then they look at you with a serious face and say "Why are you smiling...?" And then your like "I just like smiling. Smiling's my favorite!!" Just kidding! Maybe you don't quote Elf, but you honestly look like a freak cause you can't stop smiling. That's is honestly the best feeling!!

Am I right!?

you look like a complete freak. It's fine, Whatever!

Then... there are those times were if you smile you feel like you wanna punch a wall. You feel so confined and closed in. You just wanna get out!! You want to run away and never look back because lets be real. Life isn't a bowl of peaches (Or in my case, mint ice cream) It's dang hard! Sometimes its like everything is going exactly the way you want. Then other times its like life ruins your plans on purpose. Just for the fun of it. And that makes me so mad!

Now, I keep all my feelings trapped inside. I push them deep down into my heart and try to get rid of them. Take a little advice from me.. umm... THIS DOESN'T WORK. At all. Don't even try it because the next time you have something upset you all these feelings are gonna come spewing out like a reservoir. You can't stop it. And usually when all these feelings come out its all at once and at the worst possible time.

Now I was a real idiot for two months and every time I got upset I just shoved it down into the bottom of my heart and was like YOLO. Bad idea. Really bad idea. I was mad and sad about my dad. I was confused about everything that had happened in the past 2 years. My whole world turned upside down because my daddy decided his time on earth was done. Over. But whenever I felt upset about it, I just tried to "brush it off." Then I would go to school with a bad attitude because I couldn't handle what I was feeling. Then I would fail a quiz, or forget my homework, or wear matching socks and my day would be beyond terrible. I was in lunch for the past two months literally near tears!! My friend kept looking at me "Tay, are you ok?? You look like your gonna cry. whats wrong?" I would just roll my eyes and say nothing. I was so mad at everyone. What did they do? Absolutely nothing.

So for 2 months I shoved every single sad or upset feeling I had down. Lets just say I wasn't the most fun person to have around the house. Or at school. Or practically anywhere. So then last week all heck broke out. I had so much homework, it should have been illegal. I'm a perfectionist so of course I wanted my English project to be awesome. So I worked on it for 5 days, hours on end. Not to mention I had hours of other homework to do AND I missed school so I had tons of extra work to do. (When I finished the project it was 9 pages long, 12 pt. font. I did way more work than I needed to. Typical.)

Now, some of you may know this about me... others may not. Um, I don't handle stress well. Ok wait,  let me rephrase that. I don't handle stress. At all.

So I was already on overload of homework  completely stressed out, upset and mad about my dad, and I was exhausted from my lack of sleep. So Friday, February 1st, 2013. I blew up like a volcano. That is the only way to describe it! I came home from school totally ticked off and exhausted but way too mad and tired to talk to anyone about it. I actually was in health, earlier that day and started to cry... but of course that was not a good time to bawl. At all!! So I sucked it up, and tried to go throughout the day normal. Well, I got home from school with a fake smile plastered on my face trying to be happy. My grandma was in the kitchen working on organizing our pantry. I smiled and tried to act normal but I could see in her eyes that she knew something was up. I grabbed some mint ice cream from my fridge and basically ate the whole thing. My grandma kept looking at me like I was crazy every time I went back for yet, another bowl! But, she understood teenagers so she just smiled. 

At one point during that day I felt like all the walls in the house were closing in on me. I couldn't escape. I couldn't run. I couldn't do anything. I just kept saying to my grandma "I just wanna get out of here!!" She was totally confused. I don't blame her cause I didn't know where I wanted to go when I "got out of here" either. So to satisfy my feelings I grabbed my ipod and some head phones, walked out side and blasted some kesha into my ears. I was in my cute grey boots, jeans, and a simple t-shirt. No jacket and the snow was past my ankles. But i wasn't cold! I sat down on the swing staring at my phone hoping that somehow Harry Styles, from One direction, would call me and ask me to marry him. Totally unrealistic. I know. I got up from the swing and shoved my ipod and phone in my back pocket blasting the music even louder. I did the stupidest thing a teenager could possible do. I raged through my back yard. 

This is how it went. I jumped off the swing and checked to see if anyone was looking outside the window at me. I didn't see anyone so I started kicking the snow on my trampoline so hard. I swear, I just have looked like a complete freak. I picked up snow and threw 2 snow balls at my trees as hard as I could. (Which wasn't very hard. I have no strength. I can't even do a push up!) I ran back and forth across my huge backyard maybe 10 times. Running in the snow isn't very easy and I cant run so I was exhausted but all the anger was to much to handle so when I could run anymore I stomped around the perimeter or my back yard kicking and jumping and screaming. I was so mad. I ran across my yard to the garden boxes. I jumped in them and started to kick the snow and the wood. I jumped up and down in them like a child having a tantrum.  I ran over to y tree and kicked the trunk as hard as I could. Really bad idea! Haha, I think I either broke or sprained my toe. Then I repeated walking around my yard. I fell down dozens of times and my knees were completely soaked with snow. I'm surprised my phone and Ipod didn't fall out of my pockets! After half an hour of raging and freaking out, I stood back and looked at my work. Basically it looked like a tornado went through our yard. Either that or a huge group of people fighting. I was so out of breath but still so angry. My lungs were burning from my sudden burst of energy and I knew that I should sit down and rest for a while. I wobbled inside and peeked my head in. My grandma was pouring cereal into cute little containers. "Hey grandma!" I said as if nothing had happened. I don't think she saw anything.... I smiled and felt pretty good. I had finally expressed what I was feeling. She didn't say anything about my episode in the backyard so I thought no one knew, that is... until I heard my mom shout from the hallway "YOU SURE SHOWED THOSE GARDEN BOXES WHO WAS BOSS!" I acted like I had no idea what she was talking about "What?" She walked up next to me "Oh I saw everything. Hows your foot? Oh and by the way... you are terrible at throwing snow balls." I laughed so hard and said "Yeah, I think I might have broken my toe!" "Nice job honey!" She said hugging me. I laughed and felt so much better. I honestly wish my mom would have pulled out the video camera because I'm sure I was hilarious out there! 

Now my main purpose for telling you this isn't for you to go attack your garden boxes or break your toe. It's to tell you to NOT do what I did. When you need to talk about something with someone, find a friend or parent that you trust. Let it all out and I promise you will feel so much better!! Express yourself in art or just cry into your pillow. It's healthy to cry.

Don't worry everyone! I am completely fine and not insane! I just had a moment... I promise I'm not always like that.

If you feel like there is no one to talk to... guess again. There is a man who died for you. He lived and DIED for you. He wants to be there for you. He wants to hear you and help you understand that he knows EXACTLY how you feel! His name is Jesus Christ. Pray to your heavenly father, he is always there to help you!

I hope this post helped you and made you laugh or at least.. smile! Have a wonderful day guys, remember to smile!! 

<3

Best friends!

Ya know when you have certain people in your life that just make you happy, or change your look out on life, or you just connect well with? I love that feeling.

I have this friend, we were best friends practically from birth! Our moms were best friends since they were five years old and we were born within 2 months of each other. Totally perfect right!?


This girl is and always will be my best friend. We don't see each other often, but when we do... We have so much fun. When we were little we were exactly alike. We wanted to grow up, see the world, And start a family. Pretty much every Mormon girls dream. BYU was our goal. Dancing was our passion. We loved to Dance. Ballet, jazz, gymnastics, tumbling.. You name it. We did it. As we got older we moved on from the dream of being professional dancers to school teachers. We both used to talk and dream about teaching students and inspiring their little minds. We played school all the time! At one point teaching wasn't as cool. We wanted to be doctors or nurses. We wanted to save lives and change the world. Although, neither of us could stand the sight of blood and we both were complete wimps. We seemed to like all the same things at all the same times. Eventually our teaching dream came back and we spent days on end teaching our very young siblings how to read, write , and count. We had just learned to do it ourselves but we found ourselves qualified to teach these adorable kiddos. When the kids grew up a little bit they decided they didn't like being forced to learn anymore so we had to move on from that stage in our lives. We then decided to teach them how to dance. My best friend and I would spend hours on end creating, learning, and practicing this dance. Afterwards we would put on costumes and force our siblings to learn this dance and perform it with us. After a couple hours we would have the parents come down and watch us perform our little number. They had a hard time not laughing at this cute group of young kids jumping and twirling around. Until the age of about 12 or 13... We did almost everything together. We had the same Interests and dreams. We both loved to dance but things happened and I wasn't able to dance anymore. I was a little upset about it but I moved on. This girl kept dancing. She never stopped. She's amazing, it blows me away! When I see her dance on stage, I can't help but feel that in a way, I'm still up there dancing with her.

We don't see each other often, but when we do its just like old times! It turns out that we almost always do have the same dreams and interests at the same time. Last year at this same time... We wanted to play volleyball. We loved the game. It's crazy how she and I have such a special connection. I love her so much.

One thing that will always and forever be our thing is the wii game just dance. She and I love that game and man, we rock at it! There's not a time we don't see each other and not play that game.

This girl is special. She's my best friend, my sister, my rock. And this girls name is Kendyl.

Freedom

What does it feel like to be free? Sometimes I wish I knew what that feeling was like, other times I'm completely care free. Have you ever felt confined and squished into a small space? Like you can't break out or get away? I feel like that right now.

Winter is a difficult season for me. I don't handle cold very well so I stay inside all the time. But this house, my high school ... it gets so old! I just want to get out of here and dance in the rain and swim in the ocean and be as free as a bird.

Rain. Rain is one of my favorite things in the whole world. When it starts to rain, i don't take shelter .. I run towards it! I jump around and act like a little kid again. I love the smell of the the rain and the feeling of it hitting your face. I feel so free. I wish it would rain right now. I love my hair getting soaked and sticking to my face is random strands. I love dripping with water and laughing at my mascara that has run. I love the rain. Not a cold disturbing rain, a summer rain that is refreshing and beautiful. Rare, but glorious.

Pinterest is literally my life... here are some pictures that spoke to my heart and made me feel free and real. (Follow me!)

I want so much just to be free. Free to me means genuinely happy. Careless. Amazed. Content. And no distractions. No homework. No chores. No teachers. No nagging. No walls. Nothing to hold you in or keep you from living life.