Smiling is amazing. When you are truly happy your smile is indescribable. It's the kind of smile that you can't slap off your face. It's the smile that people look at you and go "Ya ok?" And your like "YEAH!" then they look at you with a serious face and say "Why are you smiling...?" And then your like "I just like smiling. Smiling's my favorite!!" Just kidding! Maybe you don't quote Elf, but you honestly look like a freak cause you can't stop smiling. That's is honestly the best feeling!!
Am I right!?
you look like a complete freak. It's fine, Whatever!
Then... there are those times were if you smile you feel like you wanna punch a wall. You feel so confined and closed in. You just wanna get out!! You want to run away and never look back because lets be real. Life isn't a bowl of peaches (Or in my case, mint ice cream) It's dang hard! Sometimes its like everything is going exactly the way you want. Then other times its like life ruins your plans on purpose. Just for the fun of it. And that makes me so mad!
Now, I keep all my feelings trapped inside. I push them deep down into my heart and try to get rid of them. Take a little advice from me.. umm... THIS DOESN'T WORK. At all. Don't even try it because the next time you have something upset you all these feelings are gonna come spewing out like a reservoir. You can't stop it. And usually when all these feelings come out its all at once and at the worst possible time.
Now I was a real idiot for two months and every time I got upset I just shoved it down into the bottom of my heart and was like YOLO. Bad idea. Really bad idea. I was mad and sad about my dad. I was confused about everything that had happened in the past 2 years. My whole world turned upside down because my daddy decided his time on earth was done. Over. But whenever I felt upset about it, I just tried to "brush it off." Then I would go to school with a bad attitude because I couldn't handle what I was feeling. Then I would fail a quiz, or forget my homework, or wear matching socks and my day would be beyond terrible. I was in lunch for the past two months literally near tears!! My friend kept looking at me "Tay, are you ok?? You look like your gonna cry. whats wrong?" I would just roll my eyes and say nothing. I was so mad at everyone. What did they do? Absolutely nothing.
So for 2 months I shoved every single sad or upset feeling I had down. Lets just say I wasn't the most fun person to have around the house. Or at school. Or practically anywhere. So then last week all heck broke out. I had so much homework, it should have been illegal. I'm a perfectionist so of course I wanted my English project to be awesome. So I worked on it for 5 days, hours on end. Not to mention I had hours of other homework to do AND I missed school so I had tons of extra work to do. (When I finished the project it was 9 pages long, 12 pt. font. I did way more work than I needed to. Typical.)
Now, some of you may know this about me... others may not. Um, I don't handle stress well. Ok wait, let me rephrase that. I don't handle stress. At all.
So I was already on overload of homework completely stressed out, upset and mad about my dad, and I was exhausted from my lack of sleep. So Friday, February 1st, 2013. I blew up like a volcano. That is the only way to describe it! I came home from school totally ticked off and exhausted but way too mad and tired to talk to anyone about it. I actually was in health, earlier that day and started to cry... but of course that was not a good time to bawl. At all!! So I sucked it up, and tried to go throughout the day normal. Well, I got home from school with a fake smile plastered on my face trying to be happy. My grandma was in the kitchen working on organizing our pantry. I smiled and tried to act normal but I could see in her eyes that she knew something was up. I grabbed some mint ice cream from my fridge and basically ate the whole thing. My grandma kept looking at me like I was crazy every time I went back for yet, another bowl! But, she understood teenagers so she just smiled.
At one point during that day I felt like all the walls in the house were closing in on me. I couldn't escape. I couldn't run. I couldn't do anything. I just kept saying to my grandma "I just wanna get out of here!!" She was totally confused. I don't blame her cause I didn't know where I wanted to go when I "got out of here" either. So to satisfy my feelings I grabbed my ipod and some head phones, walked out side and blasted some kesha into my ears. I was in my cute grey boots, jeans, and a simple t-shirt. No jacket and the snow was past my ankles. But i wasn't cold! I sat down on the swing staring at my phone hoping that somehow Harry Styles, from One direction, would call me and ask me to marry him. Totally unrealistic. I know. I got up from the swing and shoved my ipod and phone in my back pocket blasting the music even louder. I did the stupidest thing a teenager could possible do. I raged through my back yard.
This is how it went. I jumped off the swing and checked to see if anyone was looking outside the window at me. I didn't see anyone so I started kicking the snow on my trampoline so hard. I swear, I just have looked like a complete freak. I picked up snow and threw 2 snow balls at my trees as hard as I could. (Which wasn't very hard. I have no strength. I can't even do a push up!) I ran back and forth across my huge backyard maybe 10 times. Running in the snow isn't very easy and I cant run so I was exhausted but all the anger was to much to handle so when I could run anymore I stomped around the perimeter or my back yard kicking and jumping and screaming. I was so mad. I ran across my yard to the garden boxes. I jumped in them and started to kick the snow and the wood. I jumped up and down in them like a child having a tantrum. I ran over to y tree and kicked the trunk as hard as I could. Really bad idea! Haha, I think I either broke or sprained my toe. Then I repeated walking around my yard. I fell down dozens of times and my knees were completely soaked with snow. I'm surprised my phone and Ipod didn't fall out of my pockets! After half an hour of raging and freaking out, I stood back and looked at my work. Basically it looked like a tornado went through our yard. Either that or a huge group of people fighting. I was so out of breath but still so angry. My lungs were burning from my sudden burst of energy and I knew that I should sit down and rest for a while. I wobbled inside and peeked my head in. My grandma was pouring cereal into cute little containers. "Hey grandma!" I said as if nothing had happened. I don't think she saw anything.... I smiled and felt pretty good. I had finally expressed what I was feeling. She didn't say anything about my episode in the backyard so I thought no one knew, that is... until I heard my mom shout from the hallway "YOU SURE SHOWED THOSE GARDEN BOXES WHO WAS BOSS!" I acted like I had no idea what she was talking about "What?" She walked up next to me "Oh I saw everything. Hows your foot? Oh and by the way... you are terrible at throwing snow balls." I laughed so hard and said "Yeah, I think I might have broken my toe!" "Nice job honey!" She said hugging me. I laughed and felt so much better. I honestly wish my mom would have pulled out the video camera because I'm sure I was hilarious out there!
Now my main purpose for telling you this isn't for you to go attack your garden boxes or break your toe. It's to tell you to NOT do what I did. When you need to talk about something with someone, find a friend or parent that you trust. Let it all out and I promise you will feel so much better!! Express yourself in art or just cry into your pillow. It's healthy to cry.
Don't worry everyone! I am completely fine and not insane! I just had a moment... I promise I'm not always like that.
If you feel like there is no one to talk to... guess again. There is a man who died for you. He lived and DIED for you. He wants to be there for you. He wants to hear you and help you understand that he knows EXACTLY how you feel! His name is Jesus Christ. Pray to your heavenly father, he is always there to help you!
I hope this post helped you and made you laugh or at least.. smile! Have a wonderful day guys, remember to smile!!
<3
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